Choosing or Writing The Perfect Vows for You
Creating a wedding ceremony is like painting a picture, the final product all depends on your creativity and imagination. Some couples prefer the traditional symbols and rituals, some couples want to start new traditions of their own and some couples want a little of both, "...something old, something new..." When it comes to wedding vows there are as many variations as there are relationships.
Your vows are a promise you make to your beloved. It forms the core of every wedding ceremony and the basis of your marriage contract. Unfortunately for many of us elders, the vows we made on our wedding days were traditional, impersonal, and didn't always reflect our feelings (as evidenced by the scores of brides in the 70's and even later who had "obey" slipped into their vows against their wishes). However, today most couples have the option of writing their own vows or at least choosing vows from selectons already written. This adds a personal touch to the ceremony that can be either subtle or obvious to all of your guests and makes the ceremony that much more meaningful to you and your beloved.
Don't forget that you can include vows to children or other important family members. When a wedding marks the blending of more than two lives, it's often appropriate to acknowledge the commitment that you are making to others as well as to your spouse.
If you choose to write vows of your own or to "borrow" the vows of someone else, there are a few different styles to choose from. Discuss each option together and choose which style best fits the two of you making it that much easier to compose or find the perfect vows for you.
Bride and Groom's Spoken Vows
The options below are all variations of ways that couples can speak their own wedding vows to each other. The vows are, arguably, the most important words spoken in the wedding ceremony and for the most part guests prefer to hear them from the Bride and Groom themselves. Consider using a microphone to help guests clearly hear the vows you speak to each other.
Standard Vows
The most common way to share personally written vows at your wedding is to write them out, rehearse them in private and surprise your mate with them at your wedding. You need not memorize them, there's no expectation that you'll be able to make the most important and emotional speech of your life without notes. Grooms often have their vows written on index cards that they can take out of their jacket pocket when the time comes. Brides (who traditionally don't have pockets to stash their vows in) can have their officiant or honor attendant hold them for her.
Couples who don't care to be surprised are welcome to share their vows with each other in private before the wedding. It's the sentiment that counts, not the time they are first heard.
Unified Vows
Some couples will prefer the effect of reciting the same vows to each other at the same time. This allows you to make your vows and have vows made to you at the exact same time. It can be a deeply meaningful way to express your unity and is a moving experience for your guests as well.
It can require a little work to get the timing right, but there's no better time to work together and support each other than during the vow exchange at your wedding ceremony, so most couples find the effort well worth it!
Alternating Vows
If the vows you've chosen are long, well-known or just lend themselves to a more dramatic recitation, you can always interlace them by having each of you speak a line at a time.
I've seen this style of vow have an almost hypnotic effect on guests, especially if the vows themselves reveal a sense of the couple making them. Even a very long series of vows will hold your guests attention if you present them in this fashion. For couples who want to add a touch of humor to their vows, this is one of the better ways to present them and actually get laughs, the other styles feel more formal and inhibit the chuckles that this style seems to welcome.
Improvised Vows
Some couples (or even just one member of a couple) may dislike the idea of writing something out beforehand and reading or reciting it during the ceremony. For them, improvised vows are ideal.
No flowery prose to memorize or complex rhymes to rehearse, just let the spirit move you, open your heart and promise only what you are inspired to at the time.
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Officiant-Read Vows
Though I personally prefer it when couples speak their own vows to each other, many people are too shy, too nervous or simply too traditionally minded to want to perform in this way. For them, there are vow options that utilize the officiant as the main speaker and lessen the stress and focus on the bride and groom.
"I Do"
Many traditions have the Officiant present the vows to the bride and groom in the form of a question to which they answer "I Do" or "I Will". These vows can still be written by the bride and groom if they prefer something different from the standard "in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer"-type lines.
More variations can be chosen using this format, including substitution of a more "poetic" response (such as "With all my heart" or "I will until the end of time"). Also, the questions can be directed toward both members of the couple and answered with "We Do".
"Repeat after me"
Vows written in this format are broken into small phrases that the officiant says and the couple repeats. Good for those who don't want to read from notes, but typically used for vows shared during the ring exchange ("With this ring... I thee wed") and not so often for the core vows.
Questions of Intent
Frequently, the officiant will ask the couple, either individually or together, a question or series of questions designed to reassure everyone involved that they know why they are there and what the ceremony means. This section of the ceremony is known as the "questions of intent", meaning that the couple will display an intention to marry.
Sometimes, if a super quick, no frills wedding is desired, those questions of intent can be expanded to include vows, thus satisfying most states requirements for a marriage ceremony and allowing the officiant to pronounce you legally married in minutes.
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Variations on the Vow Theme
The writing of vows is often considered a major hassle but it need not be. Vows should express you, your love and your commitment to the one you love. They need not be poetry or long or even original works, they just need to be sincere.
Let yourself be inspired by your beloved; the songs that make you think of them, the books you both like, the movies you both cry over, anything with words can be the basis for vows. For a personal touch work in the things they like, promise "little things" that you know will mean a lot to them, and offer them support in their goals.
A few sample vows to get your thoughts flowing:
________, I promise to be your wife/ husband, your lover, and your friend,
I will be your partner in parenthood,
Your supporter through the hard times,
Your playmate through the good times,
Your comfort in times of grief,
Your collaborator in adventure,
Your accomplice in mischief,
Your confidant in relaxation,
Your student and your teacher,
Your biggest fan and your best friend,
Your strength in your times of need and vulnerable to you in my own,
And most of all, your soul mate on our path to enlightenment.
~*~
____, I choose to love you, to cherish you, and to respect you in all ways, always.
I promise to participate fully in our marriage partnership.
I will give fully of my mind, body, heart, and soul.
I promise to make your plans and dreams as important to me as my own.
I promise to do my part in the hope that our lives together will be healthy, happy, and abundantly satisfying.
I swear to rededicate myself to these vows each and every day for the rest of my life.
~*~
Officiant: Do you pledge to one another your openness and honesty, that the love for one another shall be in the foreground of your thoughts always, guiding your actions, and that you shall leave no parts of self unknowable to one another?
Groom/ Bride: We do
Officiant: Do you pledge to continue to love one another wholly and fearlessly, without restraint, and do you vow that you will work together to spark creativity and inspire passion in all aspects of your life together?
Groom/ Bride: We do
Officiant: Do you pledge that you will always be there to comfort, soothe, and heal one another, And that you will stand together when the future is unclear, proving that tides may change but your love is constant?
Groom/ Bride: We do
Officiant: Do you vow to share whatever burdens the mundane world may present, in that overcoming them together your spirits shall grow towards a common hope, dream, and reality?
Groom/ Bride: We do
~*~
Officiant: ____, do you take ____, to be your wife/ husband? Do you promise to love, adore, and encourage him/ her? Share the good times as well as the hard times? Keep him/ her in sickness and in sorrow and to be loyal to him/ her forevermore?
Groom/ Bride: I do.
~*~
Officiant: ______, do you promise to accept ______ as your legal and spiritual husband/ wife.
To love, trust and respect him/ her?
To be honest with him/ her in all things?
To laugh with him/ her in times of joy and comfort her in times of sorrow, for as long as you both shall live?
Bride/ Groom: I Do.
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My Couples Say:
"We are so glad you married us!
Our ceremony was unique - very Nate and Julie. Everyone at the wedding enjoyed the ceremony and its focus on family.
Thanks!"
Julie and Nate -
Married July 25, 2009